


panic

by wolfnir



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implicit Panic Attack, M/M, Post-Chapter 244, Pre-Relationship, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 05:52:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14826560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfnir/pseuds/wolfnir
Summary: He Tian knows that one hour will have to think about it because he will need to tell Ms. Mo what happened and why the hell is your son in the hospital and why He Tian is dirty with blood that is not his and with bandages around his fists.





	panic

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is mainly focused on He Tian, since the emotions he showed in the chap were devastating to my poor little heart.

He Tian hates hospitals. He doesn’t remember well when this kind of feeling began to be connected with the white buildings and with the smell of death masked by disinfectant —and maybe he didn’t want to know, just want to hate hospitals like Mo Guan Shan hates cheese in his sandwich for no reason  _logic_.

 _Do not go there, not yet_. Tian closes his eyes trying not to see her thoughts. He is not very successful, but he can avoid thinking too much about why he is sitting in a chair in a hospital waiting room on a thursday night.

He Tian  _knows_  that one hour will have to think about it because he will need to tell Ms. Mo what happened and  _why the hell is your son in the hospital_  and why He Tian is dirty with blood that is  _not_  his and with bandages around his fists.

He knows, but it does not make the task any easier. Then He Tian chooses to ignore for a moment the noise of people talking and walking around him and tries to concentrate on calm down, to keep the  _damn control_.

It’s not the first time he finds himself in situations like this, but that does not make it easier to breathe and not cry. Yes,  _cry_. He Tian knows that if He Cheng was there, or,  _god forbid_ , his father, he would surely be called weak, but the teenager does not feel that he should mind something like that when Guan Shan is in some white room of that building being treated for wounds that, if He Tian had found him before, he would not  _even_  have received them.

It is irrational to think so, but He Tian has always been very good at jumping into impulsive thoughts faster than his ability to kick someone, so it’s no surprise to him to think that all would have been avoided had he been less useless, faster , smarter, more  _ **everything**_.

He is not surprised by the ways his thoughts take, but he is surprised at how these thoughts suddenly  _weigh_  in his heart and makes He Tian want to bend over and keep himself so that the pain does not overcome the barriers he gets self imposed.

He spends several minutes curled up in the hard chair of that waiting room until the slight touch on his shoulder awakens him to reality. There in front of you is Mo Guan Shan’s mother, tearful eyes and frowns in concern.

He Tian feels as if he’s about to break something too fragile for his blood-stained hands.

 

* * *

 

 

Ms. Mo is taken by a doctor long before He Tian has a chance to talk to her and the black haired has never felt so  _relieved_  in his life. He doesn’t know what to say, especially since he does not know how Little Mo got into a fight with loan sharks.

He has his suspicions, but He Tian can not  _exactly_  ask this to Guan Shan’s mother and he knows that the redhead would surely die before talking about his problems. He just hopes this is not a prelude to a worse situation than what they went through with She Li.

“HE TIAN!” It is Jian Yi with his, always, presence high and bright and beside him his faithful squire, Zhan Zheng Xi.

“Do not scream,  _jerk_.” Zheng Xi hits hard on the back of his best friend’s head. “This is a hospital.”

He Tian feels a strange weight leaving his chest to see the two friends discuss and draw even more unwanted attention from the nurses and doctors around and after a few seconds he realizes that this weight is the fear of being alone at that moment.

He almost laughs, but then he remembers where he is and why he is there and lets the laughter die in his throat. This is no time to laugh, it’s time to be strong as your brother told  _to be_.

"What are you guys doing here?” He chooses to focus on the pair of goofy. And it seems to be a good decision, since he can see that the nurses were about to call a security guard.

Jian Yi seems to finally realize where they are and stops pulling Zheng Xi’s hair, which in turn loosens the grip it had on his friend’s soft cheeks.

“Oh, we saw you and Redhead running and then some guys chasing you! By the way, how is he?” He Tian  _freezes_ , because that was the question he’d been avoiding asking himself.

“I don’t know. I’m not in the family so the doctors don’t talk to me.” The brunet tried to maintain a neutral facade, trying not to show the panic he was still feeling all through his body.

“Why were you being persecuted? What have you gotten yourself into, He Tian?” This time it is Zheng Xi who asks, a closed and slightly accusatory countenance.

He Tian laughs, a  _bitter_  laugh, that makes Jian Yi take a cautious stance, as if he did not recognize the friend in front of him. When He Tian returns to look at the two, Zheng Xi almost  _regrets_  accusing the brunet.

He Tian seems so  _broken_.

“Why do you think I have something to do with all this?” He Tian returns to his mask of indifference, a smile of derision gracing his lips. “I did  _nothing_.”

And for He Tian, he really didn’t. He could not  _protect_  Mo Guan Shan, their presence in the hospital is proof enough of that. He could not help Little Mo flee and was dragged into a rampage that may have worsened the wounds of the redhead.

“You brought him to the hospital, He Tian. You can not say you did nothing.” It’s Jian Yi who talks, with dark blue eyes and a seriousness that is always unheard of to see in his delicate features.

He Tian once again laughs, not convinced by what Jian Yi is trying to do, what is trying to  _say_.

"I don’t need consolation, Jian.” He Tian smiles, a sour taste taking over his mouth. “I did not do anything, just because we’re  _here_  is enough proof of that.” He tries to smile again, but his lips are too shaky to form an arc that convinces the blond in front of him that he is right.

“So what would you have done? What would you do?” It is Zheng Xi who asks him, his eyes closed in earnest, his posture straight and protective. He almost looks like a father, trying to rebuke his son. But He Tian has long since ceased to be bullied by something like that.

"I was going to clear the patch. He would have a better chance of getting away and maybe he would not be in a  _fucking hospital_. But he had to go and pull me into his escape.” He Tian says, clenching his fists as he remembers how surprised he was by the sudden pull of Guan Shan on his wrist to react and try again to fulfill his plan.

 _“You’re an idiot.”_  It’s Jian Yi who speaks, a feral force on each syllable, making He Tian almost tremble. It is rare to see Jian Yi — **** _soft, irritating and cheerful Jian Yi_  — with a scowl and eyes expelling anger.

“What?” It is He Tian who makes the first move, approaching the blonde and grabbing the collar of the other’s shirt. The rage and adrenaline that still raced through her veins increased considerably.

“You heard me, you’re an idiot. Worst of the worst.” Jian Yi repeats himself, not at all frightened by He Tian’s visceral grip on his shirt or black eyes devouring him in a raging black hole.

Zheng Xi moves, wanting to prevent the two start fighting, or rather, wanting to stop He Tian from hurting his best friend.  _Always the knight in white armor_ , He Tian mocks in his thoughts.

“You understand me, do not you, Zhang?” He Tian turns his gaze to the greens of Zheng Xi, knowing that the other blond can not lie and say he does not understand because he spent half his life protecting and  _clearing the patch_  for Jian Yi.

“Shut up! Zheng Xixi would never understand this, because he’s too  _stupid_ even for him!” It is Jian Yi who responds, wanting to defend his friend, but He Tian knows that it is the sheer ingenuity of Jian Yi that prevents him from seeing the truth.

“ _Yes_. I understand.” Zhang Zheng Xi answers him, his eyes still serious and his posture still ready to interfere with their quarrel. Jian Yi looks at his best friend outraged, as if he’s really looking at Zheng Xi for the first time.

“ _Xixi!_  You can’t be serious! He Tian is being stupid! “Jian Yi walked away from He Tian and the dark haired man left, knowing that his attention was no longer focused on him. Zheng Xi looked at his best friend and Jian Yi calmed down. The two of them would talk about it some other time.

"I said I understand, not that I don’t think that is stupid.” Zheng Xi turned his gaze to He Tian. “You were going to do that, but what about Mo Guan Shan? How do you think he would look? He could faint in an alley and no one would find him or take him to the hospital.”

He Tian wants to disagree with Zheng Xi, but he does not know what to say. He knows that both Jian Yi and Zheng Xi are right, but it’s hard to fully believe it when his mind keeps repeating the scenes of Guan Shan being choked, beaten and covered in  _blood_  in his  _arms_.

“Ok. It was stupid of me.” He Tian confesses, wanting to appease both blondes. He doesn’t feel exactly like this, but if doing so will give him some sense of peace then he will agree with the two friends.

“Good.” Jian Yi responds.

The three of them are silent, sitting side by side on the hard plastic chairs in the hospital’s half-empty waiting room.

He Tian still feels he did nothing, still feels full of anger and anguish, but for now, he will let himself be persuaded by Jian Yi and Zheng Xi. For now he will convince himself that he did everything he could and that Mo Guan Shan will be  _fine_.


End file.
